Studying Sunspots
by Escoger
Summary: A collection of Drabbles/Oneshots/Ficlets based on the Severus Snape/Lily Evans pairing. Much like sunspots, they mix shadow and sunlight in a brilliant and sometimes bittersweet combination. Most SSLE, some others.
1. Symbiotic

**Studying Sunspots**

**Symbiotic**

**_Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series._**

Sometimes, Severus wondered how much Lily truly understood what she was asking of him.

She would ask him to do the most foolhardy of things for the most ridiculous of reasons, claiming that it was the 'right thing to do'. Didn't she realize that he didn't care overmuch about justice and fairness and all those stupid, Gryffindor ideals?

Justice had always been denied him, so why should he care if anyone else received it?

The fact of the matter was that Severus didn't care. (Except sometimes he did.)

Lily did though; she cared enough to risk herself for it. One time in sixth year, she had been put into the Hospital Wing because she wouldn't get out of the way and let some of his then-friends hex a Hufflepuff first year.

Since then, just like before, she would demand that he throw himself into harm's way at least once a week. She would ask him to put himself and his reputation in Slytherin house on the line for no good reason.

He did it though.

Sometimes having to see Madam Pomfrey was an easy sacrifice.

After all, if he didn't risk himself, then she would risk herself.

That was something that Severus couldn't permit.

...

Sometimes, Lily wondered if Severus understood the importance of what she asked of him.

When his friends hexed the students around them, he would usually turn a blind eye, claiming that they were 'just having fun'. Didn't he realize that their cruel games were far more serious than mere pranks? People sometimes got really hurt...

Lily wanted justice for him most of all, but that didn't mean she didn't want anyone else to receive it.

It seemed that Severus didn't care about anyone else though. (Except sometimes his actions made her wonder.)

Something had changed, though.

He still rolled his eyes whenever she tried to persuade him, still refused to admit that she was right about his Slytherin friends, still refused to give any of her Gryffindor friends the time of day. (Not that she could blame him, as none of them gave him a chance either.)

Now though, Severus jumped right into the fray when asked. She wasn't sure why, but if she made it clear it was important, then he would fight.

Seeing him in the Hospital Wing, his body shattered by his 'friends', had given her a new perspective though.

Lily had to be more circumspect now.

She couldn't fight every battle, right every wrong.

If she did, then there might not be a Severus left to fight beside her.

...

Sometimes, James wondered when and how he had lost Lily to that greasy Slytherin oddball.

Had it been in early-seventh year, when the two best friends had started going out, or had he lost the battle before it began? Was it that she didn't realize how much he loved her? How much he cared about her?

He cared about Lily far more than that greedy, selfish Slytherin could ever imagine, so why had she chosen the pathetic little loser over him?

Snape didn't care about anybody but himself.

He would never change, James knew this. The boy was just very good at putting on an act; his true colors would one day show. (At least, this is what James told himself.)

His latest ex-girlfriend, tired of how he still carried a torch for the Gryffindor Head Girl, had asked him why he was so sure about Snape.

To this, James had told her that although he and Lily both liked Potions, Defense Against the Dark Arts and had some strange friendship, that didn't mean that he was right for her romantically. The two of them had nothing in common from what James could see.

Snape was dark, unwilling to stick his neck out for anybody, misanthropic and a probable Death Eater.

Lily was light incarnate, determined to protect everybody she could, kind to all and a probable future-member of that group Dumbledore was getting together.

To this, the girl he had dated had told him that perhaps Snape and Lily were like sunspots, a place where light met and melded with darkness to become something strange and yet beautiful.

James had disagreed.

He still did. Lily didn't belong at the Slytherin's side... She belonged by James'.

**Author's Note: **I'm sure that most of you are wondering 'ANOTHER Fic, Escoger?', so let me explain. This is merely a place where I intend to place any interesting Severus/Lily Drabbles/oneshots/ficlets that I or my cowriter (Anachronistic Anglophile) come up with (We will be doing a similar series for SS/HG too).

None of them are in any chronological order, unless otherwise mentioned, and it will be quite unlikely that any are even in the same time-line. If you are interested in seeing a sequel of one ficlet/oneshot/drabble though, please mention it in a review and I and my cowriter may consider it.

Suggestions are also appreciated.


	2. Snape's Confession, Lily's Confusion

**Studying Sunspots**

**Snape's Confession, Lily's Confusion**

"_I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."_

"_I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"_

"_Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" _

And Severus cringed: horrified that she thought him so low of character, yet chagrined that she was a little bit right. She'd struck at his vulnerable place—the part of him that acknowledged that his friends _were _a little skewed in their morals, the part of him that was willing to make allowances for them so that he'd eventually gain _her _admiration. (And keep their friendship, admittedly.) He was at once insulted and pained.

There were two ways he could respond to this accusation, he acknowledged. One would be instinctual and automatic: put up a shield of anger in defense of himself. The other would require tapping into the store of rare patience that he reserved purely for those he liked: smooth over the incident with cool, indifferent charm.

But as he considered both options, neither seemed quite right. He was dealing with Lily—not the Marauders, nor his Slytherin allies—and, furthermore, he was dealing with Lily in a very volatile situation. She was _really _angry, and he was downright terrified of her when she was so upset.

He considered saying something, anything to counter her accusations, and opened his mouth to say the first things that came to mind...but no words would rise. His tongue twisted backward, asphyxiating what garbled noises he tried to make, and soon he gave it up for a bad job.

Lily's eyes were searching his, and he was crushed when he realized that she couldn't see anything. He'd been practicing his Occlumency, and had hidden his remorse, his sorrow, and his humility behind a veil of callous impassiveness. It was the only way he could appear strong to his fellow Slytherins, for he couldn't implicitly trust them, and out of frequent use it'd become a compulsive habit.

A habit, he knew, that he shouldn't maintain while in the presence of Lily.

He _did _trust her, if he trusted anyone on God's green earth. She was the eye in the tornado of his life, the anchor that prevented his boat from going adrift, and the fragile thread that suspended him over the pit of boiling sin.

So he tore the mask away, pleading for her to forgive him, imploring her to see how he really didn't think she was a Filthy Mudblood, begging her to see how much he _loved _her...

But it was too late. Her lovely eyes had lost contact with his, and she tilted her chin up a little to face him with a regal expression. She knew all too well that her wish was his command.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

He'd expected anything but such finality in her request. He'd thought she would be angry, would insist that he abandon his friends, would ask him to _scourgify _his mouth out with soap, would do anything except let him plummet from the parapet.

Sickening, he realized that she had practically _pushed _him from said parapet.

With wild abandon of his sacred logic and holy reason, he cast away rational thought in the struggling pursuit of his emotional sanity.

"No – listen, I didn't mean –"

"- to call me Mudblood?" The disdain in her expression was more shocking than her previous comment. "But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

She did. And she was brilliant to do so. Severus was at a loss, torn between the revelation she'd uncovered and the fact that she was laying the blame for the end of their friendship at his door. Indeed, from her perspective, it did seem like he was the one most responsible. He'd been low—so very, very low—to deign to call her something so odious. He'd crossed a line.

He needed to justify himself, but she had no more attention to spare him. With a contemptuous look, she peeled herself away as one might remove one's shoe from a patch of tar. Was this really what she thought of him? Did she really think him as vile, disgusting, and uncouth as her glare implied?

It occurred to him, as she turned away and he was on the verge of speech, that drastic action must be taken. He needed her to know...needed her to _understand_...and he realized that words wouldn't suffice.

That's why he seized her hand, as she stepped into the portrait-hole, drew his arms around her, and embraced her.

"Don't, Lily," he whispered, holding her close to him. "Please...look at me..."

Perhaps too hastily, he broke his Occlumency shield and let his emotions seep forth. The result was that tears began to come forth—the blessed water of repentance.

And in the look she gave him, he found absolution.

"Severus," she whispered, her upper lip curling as she thought of what to say.

Before she could decide, he kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, as Severus had never kissed before and (he thought in retrospect) probably never would again, but he savored it.

Lily Evans proceeded to turn a very flushed pink.

"I...oh, gracious...oh..."

He turned his eyes down, suddenly ashamed, but immediately bounced up again, because _down _was Lily's glorious breasts and...oh, Lord have mercy on him!...the top three buttons of her blouse were undone. So he looked up again, meeting her eyes even though he knew he was unworthy to do so.

Lily Evan's expression was quizzical, but she radiated uneasiness.

"I don't know what to say, Severus," she said. He was amused and surprised to see that she was flustered, like a sunflower that had been transplanted to the African savannah—out of place, but capable of surviving in the new territory.

"I don't know either, Lily," he replied, tasting stomach acid at the back of his throat. His mind had finally caught up with his body, and it was in overdrive. _YoujustkissedLilyEvans! YoujustkissedLilyEvans! _proclaimed the chorus in his mind, and a watery smile made its mark on his lips while he fought the inclination to faint.

"You're shaking," she replied, her hands sneaking their way up to his own, where they held her shoulders. The detachment of his fingers from her blouse was slow and firm, but never admonishing. Soon a decent space existed between them once more, as Lily stepped a bit away from him, but she still clasped his hands in her own. She was smiling, but as shy as a maiden who'd been discovered bathing naked in the woods.

"Are you okay?" she asked him, massaging the back of his hands with her thumbs in a way that he would later remember as being erotic.

"I..."

He knew that pretending to be strong wouldn't fool her anymore, and he caved.

"No," he confessed. "I'm not."

"Why?" she asked, quaint and pretty in tone. Severus knew she was playing innocence in her discomfiture, and supposed that since he'd already given up so much ground emotionally that evening, he might as well go whole hog.

So he leaned forward, closing his eyes, and whispered into her ear, "Because I'm in love with you."

She frowned. "No, you're not. You're..." With a shrug of her lovely shoulder, she suggested, with a bit more flush in her cheeks, "...in lust. Or something of the kind. Someone slip something in your pumpkin juice at dinner?"

"I didn't have dinner, Lily." He'd been too wrought with anxiety to eat.

"Well, it must be _something_," Lily insisted, "because you most certainly are _not _in love with me."

"I beg to differ," he replied, feeling numb.

"Well," she reiterated, getting a bit defensive, "I find it hard to believe. Well, I've got to be going, Severus...it's late. See you in Potions, all right?"

And then she was gone, and Severus was left with the bewilderment of a person who'd been holding a match and accidentally blown it out.

. . . x . . . X . . . x. . .

With girls, emotions were not to be doled out, consumed, and forgotten—feelings had to be analyzed for every possible reason and consequence, explored for every nook and cranny, and stretched out for all they were worth. Snape didn't know why girls worked this way, but he knew from other blokes' hearsay that the female process of wringing out the mysteries of his heart, and either accepting or rejecting them, could take a long time.

Three weeks seemed a bit excessive to wait for Lily's response to his confession, but the delay made him realize the distinct lack of possibility he had with her. By his estimation, since she wasn't all-out snogging him the second he confessed, he didn't have much of a chance at all. Since the likelihood of her doing _that _was so small in the first place, he really wasn't too crushed at the idea that he hadn't passed muster.

Lily hadn't said a word to him in private since his tragic loss of control in Gryffindor tower, though the day after the incident she'd sat next to him in Potions for the first time in what felt like centuries. For this he was immensely grateful, because it was like being real friends again. For, despite the fact that she never said anything more than 'Pass the dried shrivelfigs, please', he still relished smelling her scent, watching her work, and feeling her aura. She sometimes caught him looking at her, of course—since his secret was out, there was no need to hide his interest from her—and then she'd hurriedly turn away, embarrassed and perhaps nervous.

This was the extent of their communication until, to his surprise, one day she took his arm as they left the dungeons.

"Severus," she addressed him, "we need to talk."

"It's late," he observed, but knew that excuses were futile.

"Let's go out walking, shall we?"

They'd used to do that a lot, the two of them, strolling around the grounds until curfew. Feeling his throat grow tight, Severus assented silently, and they went outside to walk around the lake.

"I...I've thought very long and hard about things, Severus," Lily said once they were alone. "Do...do you still feel the way I do? I mean you do," she corrected roughly, and Severus noticed her palpitating pulse. Or was it his own that was ringing in his ears?

"I still love you, Lily," he said softly, stopping them both to look across the blue water of the lake as twilight fell. "I think I always will."

"How long?" she asked, and she sounded a little afraid.

"A long time," he replied. "Since the day I first saw you. Though I didn't know it was love back then."

She was silent, and Severus' stomach felt like it was at the mercy of a boa constrictor. Finally, she looked at him, and his heart melted. She was crying!

"Lily!" he exclaimed, concerned and tense. "Why...what..."

"I'm sorry!" she gasped. She looked as pitiful as a broken china teacup, still beautiful but all in pieces, with tears all over her contorted face. "I'm so sorry, Severus, I don't want to hurt you!"

"You don't love me. I knew already," he replied, examining his own feelings on the matter, now that his presumptions had been confirmed. He didn't know that he was feeling anything, honestly. Just emptiness, nothingness, and maybe vomit.

"I'm sorry," she stated again, and embraced his unmoving form. "I'm so very sorry. I thought about it for a long time. I just...I can't see you as anything more than my friend. My dearest friend, Severus. My best friend. And I'm sorry I said what I said that night," she continued, "I shouldn't have said that we should part our ways. It's just...I've seen you with your Slytherin friends, and they aren't good people. They're evil, Sev, just evil."

"Not so much evil, Lily, as _different _from you Gryffindors," Severus replied, staring away from her. He wasn't admonishing her, just correcting her. After all, she'd given back her friendship, and she was in his arms. He was more than satisfied with this much happiness—he felt that fate had been extraordinarily good to him, he lapped his share up eagerly, be it mere scraps or no.

"I know that's what you think, but I don't want you to see them anymore, Severus," Lily said, resting her head on his shoulder. He strained not to let his shoulders heave as he sighed. He loved her so much, and being with her was practically heaven. "You'll see what I mean soon enough; they're the kind of people that bring trouble."

He placed his hand on her shoulder. He'd do anything for her at this point, anything to make her happy, anything to keep her in his arms for just a little bit longer.

"All right," he agreed, too reluctant to let go or to disagree. "I'll think about it." Although it was for Lily, he wasn't quite ready to take that particular plunge.

They remained for a few more minutes, the glow of mutual understanding and the connection of contentment between them.

"It's getting dark," Lily observed after a while. "How about we go to dinner now? And spend the rest of the evening in the library?"

"Together?" Severus asked. He thought about it momentarily, and then shook his head no. "All right, let's meet in the library later. But for now I think. I need to be alone for a time."

She wasn't too depressed by his admission. "It's okay. I understand."

To have her commiserate with him was enchantment itself, he decided, and he gave her a half-smile before squeezing her one more time and sitting down on the grass.

As he watched her head towards the castle, he brought his arms close to his chest and tried to recreate the feeling of Lily against him, feeling truly peaceful for the first time in ages. He did need some time alone: to recollect himself, to contemplate a little, and to remind himself that he wasn't all that badly off. Even though he might never be with Lily, he still miraculously had her friendship, and he knew he'd never risk it so fatuously again.

At least she didn't hate him for loving her, he supposed. She still liked him a lot, even if she couldn't conceive them being together romantically. That made him feel more at ease with himself; there was no longer that dangerous secret between them, and he was no longer living in fear of her discovering it and hating him.

Actually, he realized in retrospect, it was silly of him to think that she would think less of him for admitting that he was in love with her. She was a much better person than that. Maybe she was right; maybe dealing with Slytherins too much had made him jaded.

Severus wasn't facing the happy ending that he'd always hoped for, but at least he still had her friendship, even if he didn't have her love. And he could live with that resolution.

. . . x . . . X . . . x . . .

Although it had doomed his romantic hopes, Severus' confession had ended up doing a great deal for their friendship. From this, he had learned that Lily was not someone who he needed to hide himself from. He didn't need to pretend that he was something he wasn't to her, as he had an irreplacable place in her heart, and he could tell her all the things he had been too afraid to reveal...although he would still keep Remus' condition a secret for the moment.

He could tell her about how much he resented the fact that his parents didn't love him.

He could tell her how he longed for the respect of others, even if only because they feared him.

He could even tell her how terrified he was of her leaving him, of her finding someone else...of 'finding someone better'.

No longer did he fear losing her for these things, because he had already lost her. She would love him as her best friend forever, Severus Snape, and that was more than enough for him. He might not be the one she desired above all else, like she was to him, but that was alright. As long as he could stay by her side, he would be content. When he later was forced to truly choose between her and his 'friends'...it wasn't so hard of a choice.

And when she started to realize that the boy she had stuck inside that little box in her heart marked 'best friends forever' needed to be fitted into a different box, that the pieces of him he gave her were gifts more precious than gold...

Well, that's another tale...

_FIN_

**Author's Note: **This little ficlet is from a category that both Anachronistic Anglophile and myself have seen a _great _deal of work done in: the infamous Tower confrontation. Unfortunately, it is typical that the confession ends one of two ways: either Severus and Lily instantly end up together, or she dumps him cruelly outside of Gryffindor tower.

Feeling that neither were quite in character for Lily, we decided to write this oneshot to correct this discrepency. Although it didn't win Lily for our dark hero then and there, it certainly saved their friendship, and gave Severus something important to think about.


	3. A Choice Unoffered

**Studying Sunspots**

**A Choice Unoffered**

**_Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series._**

_"Your blood isn't important, not to me, Lily..."_

Severus had said that to her in the past, many times. Lily had never doubted the veracity of his words, no matter how many times she had to defend him to her friends. Even though he refused to stop associating with those..._monsters_ he called friends, even though he refused to even talk to any other people of her heritage, she had trusted him, until...

_"I don't need any help, not from filthy Mudbloods like her!"_

Those words had rocked her faith to its core. She had tried to rescue him, not just that day, but all the days before...and he had called her 'Mudblood' in repayment. He hadn't even bothered to apologize, instead saying nothing, so she had run away.

Lily would never tell anyone, but she had spent hours crying afterward. She had been forced to confront the fact that she hadn't been willing to admit: that Severus had changed beyond recognition, changed from the young boy desperate for affection and incredibly loyal into an angry young man who would sell his soul for power and prestige...

Then Mary told her that he was desperate to talk to her, so desperate he was willing to spend the night waiting for her outside of Gryffindor tower.

_"I'm sorry!"_

It had given her some hope, some sign that the scared little boy remained inside him, that maybe that boy she had been so proud to call her best friend still existed underneath all of the anger and bitterness. However...

_"What makes me so different?"_

_"..."_

He still wouldn't give up on his _evil _friends, not even when her friendship was on the line. He would rather lose her friendship than lose what they had promised him. It was then she knew what she had to do.

There could be no compromise, not when innocent lives were at stake; Lily knew that Voldemort would be showing his true, dark colors soon. It was only a matter of time before the vile words he spoke were followed by equally despicable acts...

Severus had to understand that it was either-or; _either _he could have her friendship with him, _or _he could have his stupid, malicious friends. He had to make a choice, once and for all.

Lily just hoped it wouldn't be too long until Severus made the right choice. It hadn't yet been a full night since the end of their friendship, and already she missed him.

It was a shame that she hadn't realized that she never truly told Severus there was a choice to be made, causing him to think that there was no choice for him.

It was also unfortunate that in this world she would come to regret not offering that choice..._dearly_.

**Author's Note: **This drabble-fic was actually supposed to be paired with another fic, 'The Dool Tree', a brilliant fic written by my Beta: _Anachronistic Anglophile_. It was supposed to be an answer to the Time-Crossed Love-Triangle Challenge I still have up in my profile.

Unfortunately, it's no longer quite accurate alongside with it, but it's still quite good...if very sad for Lily in the end. The original edition of that story had Lily finally forgiving Severus...only to realize that he had moved on to someone else, leaving her cold and alone in the dark, wondering 'what if?'.


End file.
